An Addendum to my last entry...an odd musing

I thought that perhaps the conclusion of my last entry was rushed and not fully developed. Also, I got some questions about the nature of the ideal and voluntary surrender of power play.

Instead of directly addressing the questions or expound more on the meaning and definition of power play (which I realized is incredibly difficult), I think I might just go ahead and do what may make most sense: explain in a more personal sense.

I've grappled with my own suggestion/conclusion from my last entry. What would it look for me to not play my own games? Is it even possible?

I am every once so often reminded of how fragile I am. And every time my heart directs me to go anywhere, I'm frantically wary of adding another crack here and another chip there to the glass heart inside that's already got its wear and tear from the short number of years I've been alive. I suppose to me, power play is the relational equivalent of bubble wrap....or something like that.

But isn't that my lack of faith in God? Can't the love of God heal every crack and every wound, comfort us in every disappointment? Will not the grace of God maintain so that our hearts would never give out, and even if it does, will God not be there still? Isn't the power of God greater than our fragility?

As I contemplate those questions, I once again run into a question of the illusion of self-sufficiency. My "power play" (or the pathetic excuse for one) is ultimately my own efforts to protect myself. Yet now I realize that I will never be able to protect myself without turning into some reclusive freak. Just as I must trust God to take care of me and provide for me in things like daily sustenance, I must also trust in God to protect and take care of my heart.

That may sound really weird, and sort of cliche. Yet, I understand that my life has been a struggle of balancing the regrets of what I have done and the regrets of what I have not done. I wonder if and when I am able to leave the state of my heart entirely in the hands of God, I shall find there the true freedom to live fully.