Dating, Power Play, and the Prisoner's Dilemma

This kind of stuff usually starts with a disclaimer, and so shall mine.
My life is a series of failures and my actions do not always mirror my words.

K, now that I've signed the liability agreement for hypocrisy, let's get on with some definitions...in reverse order of the title.

Prisoner's Dilemma is a favorite scenario of economists for game theory and studying the famous Nash equilibrium. The scenario goes as follows: two suspects are in the police station being questioned and charged with a crime. They're in separate rooms and cannot communicate to each other, and they each have two choices: to confess or to hold out. If they both hold out, then each of them will receive only 2 years of prison time. If they both confess, they each receive 5 years of prison time. However, if one holds out, but the other confesses, the one who confesses only receives a year of prison time but the one who held out receives 10 years of prison time. Let's see if I can make a chart

	Prisoner B
Prisoner A		Confess	Do not confess
	Confess	5\5	1\10
	Do not confess	10\1	2\2

As you can see, whatever the other party chooses, the suspect is better off confessing. For A, if B confesses, you rather confess and get 5 years instead of not confess and get 10 years, and if B does not confess, it is also better to confess and get 1 year of prison time instead of not confessing and getting 2 years. And since they can't communicate to each other about their choices, they both choose to confess and each get 5 years of prison time. That is the Nash equilibrium (basically the outcome when people just choose their best options). If you look though, it is collectively much better to both not confess, for a total prison time of 4 years.

Whew, that took way longer than I intended. If that didn't make any sense, don't worry about it. The important thing to remember is that, it is better to cooperate (not confess) as a whole, but because of the communication barrier and a lil bit of selfish (but very natural) thinking, they both choose to not cooperate (confess) and are both worse off. That is what is applicable for the rest of what I wanted to quip about.

Let's define power play. This isn't as easy to define and explain. Power play, in let's say...a negotiation is how to best get what you want, but by hiding what you really want. For example, if we are talking about three things in a job negotiation - salary, health benefit, and vacation time - but as a company I really only care about the salary, I don't want to flat out say it. I want to pretend that I also care about health benefit and vacation time as well, so that when I seem to make concessions on those things, I can take more concessions from you about the salary. Sometime you need to hide what you want in order to get it easier (people are unfortunately more reluctant to give you what you want.)

Basically, it comes down to when I have something you want, I have power over you in proportion to how much you want it. In dating, or to be exact, before a relationship officially begins, this can translate to the art of balancing the push and the pull, seeming interested enough but not desperate. Trying to get the other person to want you without making it very obvious that you want the other person...and so on.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then you can stop reading now...I can't really explain any better and the rest won't make any sense.

Let's define dating now...JK. But I'm really more or less talking about the stages before an official dating relationship starts.

You might think that I'm ridiculous or crazy. You might even claim that you never do any power play. That is just not possible, nobody is that open and vulnerable. No guy will ever flat out tell you from the onset that he is attracted to you and wants to get to know you better (and that's the best case scenario). No girl will ever come out and say I'm spending time with you in hopes that we could take this further. Yes things sometimes happen halfway, but the point being, we do a lot of things to guard ourselves, while trying to un-guard the other.

And here comes my ultimate point. Power play creates in our pre-relationship stages a dilemma for us, the prisoner's dilemma. It would be much better if both parties laid down their power play and were open and vulnerable. But it would be some serious problem for you if you laid down your power play but the other party did not. Imagine how bad of a job negotiation it would be if you came in and told me everything you cared about and I told you nothing about what I cared about.

You might think...why would I keep my power play if the other person drops his/hers? Oh that's the power of power. If you look at the chart above, it is better if you keep your non-cooperative option either way, and remember that clear communication is blocked. (People can't just declare from the onset that they're going to keep or drop the power play).

The result is the Nash equilibrium. Everyone has to do the whole power play dance. If you disagree with me, either you've never been in a serious dating situation, or you're a lot older and more mature than I (unlikely...considering I'm as old as the first printing press), or you're a saint, or you're just plain unaware.

Either way, the point is, we're all burdened and jaded by this power play. And in many ways, it sets up an ill-fated pattern that often carries into the actual relationship itself. Power play is rooted in hiding your emotions and desires, and in some ways you might say deception.

I've said enough doom and gloom about relationships. And yes, I'm a little biased and a little pessimistic. I guess...well. Hm...let me think about the conclusion of this a little.

When I think about the next time I date (hahaha...what a joke), I would like to think that I would be brave and mature enough to flat out lay down all power plays and ridiculous amount of guards that I put up and the stupid mind games. I had daydreams in which my courage and honesty conquers my insecurities and fears.

...there's a reason why it's daydreaming. I'm honestly not sure how realistic it is...but wouldn't it be wonderful and beautiful if I/you/we could be open, vulnerable, and honest with ourselves and with each other. We would see so many more healthy relationships around us, and we ourselves would be much happier.

And above all, I think it would be the right thing to do.