the company of the one in the mirror

this sloppy entry is the last of my prolific blogging for the month, and for the year...i think

sometimes it creeps up on me unexpected, usually after a large, fun, frantic event filled with people. or sometimes it grips me in the ankle after I finish a big project or endeavor. sometimes, it is if I think i made some rather stupid social blunder. I come home, and sit down, and suddenly get this odd sensation that I have disconnected from the rest of the world.

It's as if the rapture happened without me knowing. Or I think if i go outside on the streets, it will be empty, that somehow I am the only remaining human on the face of the planet.

WAIT WAIT! before you call me an emo-tard and close this page, i will make this applicable, i promise.

I suspect, despite what surveys that psychologists conduct say, that the biggest fear of mankind is being lonely. ok, maybe not the biggest, but it's certainly tied to the biggest, which is meaninglessness. mmmhmmm...here is where you put in a ton of interjection about how you are not afraid of being lonely and you are more than capable of living the rest of your life alone.

I do not mean being single. i mean being lonely. For example, let's say you are really really deathly afraid of snakes. would you rather die from multiple snake bites while holding onto the hand of the one you love the most, or would you rather die a completely lonely death, with nobody noticing your death and being completely forgotten by the rest of the world?

YOU LIAR! you rather get bit by the snakes!

anyway, when i was in that bout of panic of being disconnected, of having no company except my own, i used to frantically search for some kind of connection, trying to talk to people online that i haven't talked to in a while or...i dunno, whatever.
I've come, over the years, to the realization that the inability to cope with my own company is a deficiency, perhaps a sort of insecurity.

i do realize that i have not really done a good job of supporting that this is a universal trait. maybe i'm wrong, and i'm just really that much of a weirdo. mmm...i think that unlikely. i think it manifests in different ways. maybe you get melancholic (like myself), maybe you get grumpy and overly sensitive, maybe you get alcoholic, something. or maybe you're so secure in yourself that there's nothing that happens, in which case I wonder why you're reading my blog because my words are probably tainting your holy eyes.

of course, not only does this vary between people symptomatically, but also in severity. yet, i suspect that this trait makes all of us prone to letting those around us define a part of the core of who we are

please do not misunderstand, i think we're meant to be social creatures. we definitely need each other. I once went on this one trip (ask me more about it person) where I was basically by myself without any substantial human contact for a week. and it really really...sucked. (but i learned a lot...hmmm maybe that'll be a blog entry some time later)

Anyway, the only point i wanted to get across is, that i dont think most people take enough time to be alone, reflective, and still. i began to try my best to appreciate those time of seemingly deep detachment, when everything seems to stand still and I am truly alone. i found that i am often blessed with some epiphany, reflection; those moments allow me to ground who i am in God and recharge that I may be able to interact with others in a stable and caring manner. it also allows me to appreciate people better as well.

It is rather difficult at times. Solitude and quietness of the soul, like all other finer things in life, are acquired tastes. but i've found that even in the moments of deepest solitude and quietness, God has always and faithfully been my company.

a reflection about myself at 6am

I have a small and odd confession to make. Every time I'm about to leave on a break, especially if I'm going away somewhere far, such as flying overseas, I do certain things to somewhat prepare myself for the remote contingency that I may not come back. In other words, I treat certain types of days or events as possibly my last.

That sounds really odd, but I'm just sort of honestly reflecting after my small graduation/end of semester party. But yes, I do certain things in ways that would minimize regrets/bitterness in case I die or something random like that.

I say bye to people with genuine smiles, and wish them well. I do my best to leave everything on positive notes. I make an effort to hug everyone, and if I hug them normally, then I hold them a little longer and a little tighter than usual. I try to give a little bit of myself to everyone that I care about.

I always come back, and then I chuckle at my small, childish, and somewhat irrational mental preparations for the "in case of death or grave accident." But perhaps one day, I won't (or maybe even someone else), and I'll be glad that I left things the way that I usually do. And the people will hopefully remember fondly the last time they saw me.

An Addendum to my last entry...an odd musing

I thought that perhaps the conclusion of my last entry was rushed and not fully developed. Also, I got some questions about the nature of the ideal and voluntary surrender of power play.

Instead of directly addressing the questions or expound more on the meaning and definition of power play (which I realized is incredibly difficult), I think I might just go ahead and do what may make most sense: explain in a more personal sense.

I've grappled with my own suggestion/conclusion from my last entry. What would it look for me to not play my own games? Is it even possible?

I am every once so often reminded of how fragile I am. And every time my heart directs me to go anywhere, I'm frantically wary of adding another crack here and another chip there to the glass heart inside that's already got its wear and tear from the short number of years I've been alive. I suppose to me, power play is the relational equivalent of bubble wrap....or something like that.

But isn't that my lack of faith in God? Can't the love of God heal every crack and every wound, comfort us in every disappointment? Will not the grace of God maintain so that our hearts would never give out, and even if it does, will God not be there still? Isn't the power of God greater than our fragility?

As I contemplate those questions, I once again run into a question of the illusion of self-sufficiency. My "power play" (or the pathetic excuse for one) is ultimately my own efforts to protect myself. Yet now I realize that I will never be able to protect myself without turning into some reclusive freak. Just as I must trust God to take care of me and provide for me in things like daily sustenance, I must also trust in God to protect and take care of my heart.

That may sound really weird, and sort of cliche. Yet, I understand that my life has been a struggle of balancing the regrets of what I have done and the regrets of what I have not done. I wonder if and when I am able to leave the state of my heart entirely in the hands of God, I shall find there the true freedom to live fully.

Dating, Power Play, and the Prisoner's Dilemma

This kind of stuff usually starts with a disclaimer, and so shall mine.
My life is a series of failures and my actions do not always mirror my words.

K, now that I've signed the liability agreement for hypocrisy, let's get on with some definitions...in reverse order of the title.

Prisoner's Dilemma is a favorite scenario of economists for game theory and studying the famous Nash equilibrium. The scenario goes as follows: two suspects are in the police station being questioned and charged with a crime. They're in separate rooms and cannot communicate to each other, and they each have two choices: to confess or to hold out. If they both hold out, then each of them will receive only 2 years of prison time. If they both confess, they each receive 5 years of prison time. However, if one holds out, but the other confesses, the one who confesses only receives a year of prison time but the one who held out receives 10 years of prison time. Let's see if I can make a chart

	Prisoner B
Prisoner A		Confess	Do not confess
	Confess	5\5	1\10
	Do not confess	10\1	2\2

As you can see, whatever the other party chooses, the suspect is better off confessing. For A, if B confesses, you rather confess and get 5 years instead of not confess and get 10 years, and if B does not confess, it is also better to confess and get 1 year of prison time instead of not confessing and getting 2 years. And since they can't communicate to each other about their choices, they both choose to confess and each get 5 years of prison time. That is the Nash equilibrium (basically the outcome when people just choose their best options). If you look though, it is collectively much better to both not confess, for a total prison time of 4 years.

Whew, that took way longer than I intended. If that didn't make any sense, don't worry about it. The important thing to remember is that, it is better to cooperate (not confess) as a whole, but because of the communication barrier and a lil bit of selfish (but very natural) thinking, they both choose to not cooperate (confess) and are both worse off. That is what is applicable for the rest of what I wanted to quip about.

Let's define power play. This isn't as easy to define and explain. Power play, in let's say...a negotiation is how to best get what you want, but by hiding what you really want. For example, if we are talking about three things in a job negotiation - salary, health benefit, and vacation time - but as a company I really only care about the salary, I don't want to flat out say it. I want to pretend that I also care about health benefit and vacation time as well, so that when I seem to make concessions on those things, I can take more concessions from you about the salary. Sometime you need to hide what you want in order to get it easier (people are unfortunately more reluctant to give you what you want.)

Basically, it comes down to when I have something you want, I have power over you in proportion to how much you want it. In dating, or to be exact, before a relationship officially begins, this can translate to the art of balancing the push and the pull, seeming interested enough but not desperate. Trying to get the other person to want you without making it very obvious that you want the other person...and so on.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then you can stop reading now...I can't really explain any better and the rest won't make any sense.

Let's define dating now...JK. But I'm really more or less talking about the stages before an official dating relationship starts.

You might think that I'm ridiculous or crazy. You might even claim that you never do any power play. That is just not possible, nobody is that open and vulnerable. No guy will ever flat out tell you from the onset that he is attracted to you and wants to get to know you better (and that's the best case scenario). No girl will ever come out and say I'm spending time with you in hopes that we could take this further. Yes things sometimes happen halfway, but the point being, we do a lot of things to guard ourselves, while trying to un-guard the other.

And here comes my ultimate point. Power play creates in our pre-relationship stages a dilemma for us, the prisoner's dilemma. It would be much better if both parties laid down their power play and were open and vulnerable. But it would be some serious problem for you if you laid down your power play but the other party did not. Imagine how bad of a job negotiation it would be if you came in and told me everything you cared about and I told you nothing about what I cared about.

You might think...why would I keep my power play if the other person drops his/hers? Oh that's the power of power. If you look at the chart above, it is better if you keep your non-cooperative option either way, and remember that clear communication is blocked. (People can't just declare from the onset that they're going to keep or drop the power play).

The result is the Nash equilibrium. Everyone has to do the whole power play dance. If you disagree with me, either you've never been in a serious dating situation, or you're a lot older and more mature than I (unlikely...considering I'm as old as the first printing press), or you're a saint, or you're just plain unaware.

Either way, the point is, we're all burdened and jaded by this power play. And in many ways, it sets up an ill-fated pattern that often carries into the actual relationship itself. Power play is rooted in hiding your emotions and desires, and in some ways you might say deception.

I've said enough doom and gloom about relationships. And yes, I'm a little biased and a little pessimistic. I guess...well. Hm...let me think about the conclusion of this a little.

When I think about the next time I date (hahaha...what a joke), I would like to think that I would be brave and mature enough to flat out lay down all power plays and ridiculous amount of guards that I put up and the stupid mind games. I had daydreams in which my courage and honesty conquers my insecurities and fears.

...there's a reason why it's daydreaming. I'm honestly not sure how realistic it is...but wouldn't it be wonderful and beautiful if I/you/we could be open, vulnerable, and honest with ourselves and with each other. We would see so many more healthy relationships around us, and we ourselves would be much happier.

And above all, I think it would be the right thing to do.

so i wrote a story...and it's a silly story.

It was a bright-moonlit night. Except that the clouds were covering the moon. Father Alex was holding his monthly vigil in the sanctuary when he noticed that a presence had entered the room. Turning around, he saw that it was a man in his 40s. Or perhaps more like late 30s. In a black overcoat and an old gray scarf covering his entire neck and part of his face, he was a very plain and average looking man. The man slowly walked into the confessional booth, despite it being a very late hour and it being obvious that there was nobody in the other side, as if bidding father Alex to come and somehow knowing that he would.

Though the man was very plain and unassuming, father Alex felt unsettled as he took his place in the booth, as if some sort of danger was present. Before father Alex could say anything, the man began his impatient chatter.

"Did you know father, that a drunk driver in New York City hit a little girl today? Just a couple of minutes ago. It hasn't even hit the news yet. Instantly killed her, he did. And you know, the little girl's father is a pastor. And oh so tragic, this will destroy his faith in his God."

The man continued before the shocked father Alex could say anything else.

"Oh and that's not all. Did you know that a warlord in Congo held a public execution of eight children in front of their peers? Execution by firing squad, children all under 13 years old, shot by child soldiers, just to ensure his iron grip on them."

Father Alex finally managed to get a word out,
"I'm afraid I don't understand, what is this about?"

"Oh but this is confession, is it not? And this is just a mere glimpse of all that the world attributes as my doing, for just today! Oh my, but there's one more that I must share with you! Can you believe some fool in London signed a contract with me for the love of a woman that he can not even keep? Now, that is something that just does not happen nowadays. Imagine how delighted I was."

"Ah it's alright father. I do not actually expect any words of forgiveness of exhortation from you. I just wanted a listening ear. You were, after all, praying that God would show you something different today, were you not?"

"So allow me to ramble on a little bit more, would you? I've attended some graduations recently, both college and high school. I know, it's funny. But I do like to do random human things every once in a while, you know? I like to hear what sentimental yet totally unremembered things the salutatorians and the valedictorians say to their classmates. So this valedictorian kid, he goes up to the podium, and all he says is 'I hope you all remember: the essence of man's existence is not subsistence but purpose.'

And I thought, listen to this kid! Then something that came to my attention a while ago briefly came back to me. This girl of 25, just after finishing law school, decided that she would rather be poor and work for the cause of sex slaves in Manilla instead of making $200,000 a year working for a firm in LA. And you know. That, to her, gave her purpose. She chose purpose over subsistence. And an excellent choice she made, wouldn't you say, father? What's it to you if you gain the world but lose your soul, eh? But still, I was thinking. She's so passionate about this cause, to fight against this EVIL of sex slavery. And such evil it is, indeed. And yet, I wonder if she knows that she needs that evil that she despises so strongly? For without that evil she'd be left diretionless and empty."

"That's just ridiculous-" began father Alex.

"Ah, but is it?" Resumed the man, cutting off father Alex's objection.
"Imagine, father. That if there was no sex trafficking, then there would not be any reason to fight for social justice in those countries. If there was no civil wars and corrupt government starving out their own citizens and their children, and if people laid down their greed and selfishness so that their neighbors are taken care of then there would be no need for those that devote themselves to the cause of helping the poor either. Imagine father...every cause that people devote their lives to, and thus glorify God with, is there because of the presence of some evil. What would the world be like if tomorrow morning all the evils were gone?"

"It would be paradise. Heaven on earth." Quietly replied father Alex.

"Yes! For a week! But then it would be BORING! It would be one holy tedious church service! Can you imagine a world where being a lawyer or an engineer is just as noble as any other jobs? Can man suddenly accept that just living for a subsistence is now an acceptable purpose? Certainly, not everyone can or should become pastors and priests, no? It is absolutely undeniable, that the essence of man's life is not subsistence but purpose. But only the presence of evil can give man purpose. Is it not true?"

"And so it shall be that even if I cease to exist tomorrow, humanity shall rise up to take my place, for man cannot exist without evil. Thus it shall be that until Christ returns once more and establishes His rule on earth, man shall depend on evil to give him purpose. And though it may be that indeed when He returns that all the eyes of the sinful men will be opened and they shall lay down the conflict that is at the core of their souls and cry out 'Thou art just, oh Lord!' Yet until then, Man may not escape from the necessity that is evil."

With a sudden tone of sadness, the man continued in a slower pace.

"Perhaps it was ordained from the beginning that man must suffer for as long as he exists in this world until the time when His mystery and Glory shall be revealed. Perhaps it was ordained from the beginning that he would reach out and take the forbidden apple in order that he may truly exist. Perhaps it was ordained from the start that I must forever exist as the grim yet undeniable testament to God and His light. Could that be true?"

At this point, the man suddenly paused, seemingly still, as if he had suddenly realized that he was rambling on like a madman. A full minute passed by with nothing said between the two of them; a silence that seem to last an eternity.

"Forgive me father, I must have overstayed my welcome." With it, the man suddenly got up and opened the door of the booth. Hurriedly, father Alex stepped outside the booth as well to try to catch up to the man, but he had somehow already vanished out of the room.

Standing still, father Alex was deep in thought, debating and processing in his mind what fantastical dream he had just experienced.

Still unsure and unable to calm the turmoil that was budding in his heart, he nonetheless returned to the altar. Getting on his knees before the cross, he once again resumed his prayers.