the company of the one in the mirror

this sloppy entry is the last of my prolific blogging for the month, and for the year...i think

sometimes it creeps up on me unexpected, usually after a large, fun, frantic event filled with people. or sometimes it grips me in the ankle after I finish a big project or endeavor. sometimes, it is if I think i made some rather stupid social blunder. I come home, and sit down, and suddenly get this odd sensation that I have disconnected from the rest of the world.

It's as if the rapture happened without me knowing. Or I think if i go outside on the streets, it will be empty, that somehow I am the only remaining human on the face of the planet.

WAIT WAIT! before you call me an emo-tard and close this page, i will make this applicable, i promise.

I suspect, despite what surveys that psychologists conduct say, that the biggest fear of mankind is being lonely. ok, maybe not the biggest, but it's certainly tied to the biggest, which is meaninglessness. mmmhmmm...here is where you put in a ton of interjection about how you are not afraid of being lonely and you are more than capable of living the rest of your life alone.

I do not mean being single. i mean being lonely. For example, let's say you are really really deathly afraid of snakes. would you rather die from multiple snake bites while holding onto the hand of the one you love the most, or would you rather die a completely lonely death, with nobody noticing your death and being completely forgotten by the rest of the world?

YOU LIAR! you rather get bit by the snakes!

anyway, when i was in that bout of panic of being disconnected, of having no company except my own, i used to frantically search for some kind of connection, trying to talk to people online that i haven't talked to in a while or...i dunno, whatever.
I've come, over the years, to the realization that the inability to cope with my own company is a deficiency, perhaps a sort of insecurity.

i do realize that i have not really done a good job of supporting that this is a universal trait. maybe i'm wrong, and i'm just really that much of a weirdo. mmm...i think that unlikely. i think it manifests in different ways. maybe you get melancholic (like myself), maybe you get grumpy and overly sensitive, maybe you get alcoholic, something. or maybe you're so secure in yourself that there's nothing that happens, in which case I wonder why you're reading my blog because my words are probably tainting your holy eyes.

of course, not only does this vary between people symptomatically, but also in severity. yet, i suspect that this trait makes all of us prone to letting those around us define a part of the core of who we are

please do not misunderstand, i think we're meant to be social creatures. we definitely need each other. I once went on this one trip (ask me more about it person) where I was basically by myself without any substantial human contact for a week. and it really really...sucked. (but i learned a lot...hmmm maybe that'll be a blog entry some time later)

Anyway, the only point i wanted to get across is, that i dont think most people take enough time to be alone, reflective, and still. i began to try my best to appreciate those time of seemingly deep detachment, when everything seems to stand still and I am truly alone. i found that i am often blessed with some epiphany, reflection; those moments allow me to ground who i am in God and recharge that I may be able to interact with others in a stable and caring manner. it also allows me to appreciate people better as well.

It is rather difficult at times. Solitude and quietness of the soul, like all other finer things in life, are acquired tastes. but i've found that even in the moments of deepest solitude and quietness, God has always and faithfully been my company.

a reflection about myself at 6am

I have a small and odd confession to make. Every time I'm about to leave on a break, especially if I'm going away somewhere far, such as flying overseas, I do certain things to somewhat prepare myself for the remote contingency that I may not come back. In other words, I treat certain types of days or events as possibly my last.

That sounds really odd, but I'm just sort of honestly reflecting after my small graduation/end of semester party. But yes, I do certain things in ways that would minimize regrets/bitterness in case I die or something random like that.

I say bye to people with genuine smiles, and wish them well. I do my best to leave everything on positive notes. I make an effort to hug everyone, and if I hug them normally, then I hold them a little longer and a little tighter than usual. I try to give a little bit of myself to everyone that I care about.

I always come back, and then I chuckle at my small, childish, and somewhat irrational mental preparations for the "in case of death or grave accident." But perhaps one day, I won't (or maybe even someone else), and I'll be glad that I left things the way that I usually do. And the people will hopefully remember fondly the last time they saw me.