A Broken Record

At the Center of the Universe

2011-02-08T23:33:00.001-08:00

(This is my submission for the TAUG magazine's Spring 2011 edition)

I'm not sure when exactly it started. I'm not quite sure what started the process either; the road to hell is gradual. A demon has nested an egg inside my heart. Or more likely, it has always been there, clawing and gnawing its way through.
And suddenly I find myself face to face with it. I find that the ministries which I have undertook have become burdensome. I find the relationships that I have cultivated have become draining rather than invigorating. I find myself measuring the scales of social exchange and finding imbalance too often and wonder when I began keeping count. In perpetual frustration, and further frustrated by my own frustration, I have exchanged the joys of a renewed life for chains, and I can no longer tell if I am building character or destroying it every time another event strains my patience.
The demon has many names. Some, being old-fashioned, call it pride. Some, feeling sympathetic or guilty, call it "being human." Some, attempting to rationalize it, may call it the Id. I used to think that it was selfishness, and certainly that is a quintessential human trait, but I believe it is also because I am still egocentric.
Egocentricism is the inability to see outside of ourselves, to "put oneself in another's shoes." Whereas, selfishness is placing one's own needs and desires before that of others. With the young, this occurs because of their incompletely developed brains. A child sees the pencil roll under the couch, and thinks that his mother also knows that the pencil is under the couch too, because he is unable to understand that unlike him, from where she is, she never got to see the pencil roll under the couch and therefore cannot know that it is there. As the child grows older, the brain quickly matures and he outgrows this developmental occurence.
However, I think that some form of egocentricism still remains with me because even though my brain has matured, my heart has not. How many times, have I been frustrated by a slow driver in front of me only to be embarassed by my own impatience when I notice that the driver is 70+ years old as I finally pass him by? How often have felt abandoned by by friends whose support I expected in my times of trouble but they had own troubles, and how oftenn have I failed to support my friends and neighbors in difficulty because of my own in return?
In immediate feelings I never understand another. As soon as something happens to myself, all things seem different to me. When I myself suffer I do not understand the suffering of another and neither is my own happiness the key to understand the happiness of another. My immediate feeling selfishly understands all in relation to myself.* When my ministry does not go in my envisioned direction, I perceive failure and alienation rather than assessing the needs of those I meant to serve. When my relationships do not meet my expectations, I judge based on my disappointments rather than see their circumstances.
Indeed the combination of my selfishness and egocentricism has formed a formidable barrier between myself and others. My egocentricism continually shoves my own circumstances and needs in my face, and my selfishness relentlessly insists I need to look no further. As I slowly give in, I lose perspective, acclimating to seeing the world with my eyes rather than God's. And as I turn more toward myself and less to God, I find that there is a demon at the center of the universe, and it looks awfully like me.
It would be egocentric of me to think that this demon exists only for me. C.S. Lewis said that the small decisions we make on a daily basis turn us into saints or demons in the long haul. As such, it is not a demon that can be vanquished, but rather be chained and tamed gradually but constantly. I hope to by grace and power of God, by earnest prayer and humble introspection, that we can learn to identify the voice of this danger and overcome it in our daily struggle to glorify Him.

That dreadful leap of faith

2010-08-02T23:37:00.000-07:00

As is common, I must start off this blog with a disclaimer that indemnifies me from accusations of not only hypocrisy, but also impudence.

My dear reader, I must confess that I have not have much occasions in which I had to exercise that which I am about to write about. It is even possible, I think, that you are offended at me daring to write about such a subject when I have no right to do so. I hope you will be gracious, as I endeavor nothing but mere intellectual and conceptual exploration that, to those in the right place, may be helpful or applicable.

Commitment, I suppose, in general is the acting of choosing to abide by something no matter the changes in circumstances or sentiments.

Obviously, commitment comes into play on many various stages and fields of life. In the interest of scope and applicability, I am going to write a bit about commitment in dating.

Before going into the main body of my thoughts, I want to make a small side-point. It seems usually the topic of movies and discussions to illustrate that the fear of commitment is usually a guy's problem. The guy is almost always the one that has commitment issues and so can't propose to his girlfriend that he's been dating forever even though everyone else is wondering when he's going to pop the question. Or the guy is the one that gets cold feet the night before the wedding and don't show up. Whatever.

I think it's true. But. I also think that girls have their own commitment issues. It's just that I think they usually come much earlier in the relationship phase. Guys are initially much more willing to take risks, as long as girls have a few certain qualities that they think they want, they're willing to forge ahead and try relationships. Girls, on the other hand, are much more hesitant about it. But later on, guys usually have the struggles that we often discuss. Yea. Fine. It's mostly a men problem when it comes to relationships. I guess it's biology.

Anyway. Why is commitment so difficult? I think that obstacles to commitment can be categorized into three broad types. You. Him/her. and Others.

1. You.
Let's face it, you are the problem. JK. well...sorta. The you portion are questions about yourself. What I mean is generally this.
Is this (whatever this is...relationship, engagement, marriage, whatever) compatible with what I want? I want to go to med/law/grad school, or get this job in (some foreign place), or make this amount of money. I am not ready to be tied down by a spouse and a family, etc etc etc.

It basically comes down to this. "Am I ready to share my life with someone?"

2. Him/Her
Let's be honest. Nobody is perfect. Maybe you jumped in that relationship thinking that she or he is your God-ordained soul mate, and that like a neat machine-manufactured jigsaw pieces, you guys would just magically fit together and it would be happy ever after. And then...WRONG! Then you think. Won't there always be new struggles that come up? Can I really live with this person?

"Is he/she the right one for me?"

3. Others.
Ah...this is a bit of a delicate topic. So I'm just going to go at it with characteristic bluntness.
You get those questions. What about X or Y? What if I had chosen to pursue this person instead of him/her? What if this person who I've always wanted and cared about suddenly becomes single and available? It is on a similar vein with the him/her category...but think of it this way. #2 is more about whether you would rather be single than be with this person, and #3 is more about whether you would rather be with someone else, but would rather be with this person than single.

"Is there someone better than this person?"

Sounds satisfactorily summary enough? If not, oh well. I'm going to move on.

1. Your life isn't really yours. Your ownership of your life is actually an illusion. To think that you own your life to do what you will with it, and to feel the need to have your life completely your way is not only selfish and childish, but also foolish and vain.

If we insist on your "freedom" in life because we want to have it our way, our will find ourselves the most chained of all. Because we refused to share our lives, we will find that our lives are empty and have nothing to share with anyone.

Consider this. God wants us to be certain kind of people, instead of do certain kind of things. In other words, who we are means much more than what we do. We often talk about how the heart behind our actions matters more than our actions themselves. That's the nature of morality. A man who steals someone's gun and unwittingly and unknowningly prevents a murder isn't a hero, he's still a thief.

Now. In 99.9999% of cases, your marriage shapes who you are much more significantly so than your job. Granted, I'm certain that what Mother Theresa did really did significantly shaped what kind of immortal she turned out to be. If by your ownership of your life, you mean that you want to live that kind of life and must be single, by all means, go ahead. I give you my props and blessing, since you are then called to celibacy. But for most people, that's not the case. They refuse to share it not because it is too painful and austere to make another bear, but because they think its too good for them to share.

Because marriage so significantly shapes who you are, if you genuinely seek after the Lord's will in both your relationship and your career, they will line up, because they will glorify the Lord together. Now, notice that I do not necessarily mean that you will work in the same field of career, I just simply mean that you must have faith that God will engineer your lives so that your marriage and your careers will be compatible.

2. If you believe in the jigsaw puzzle soul mate, I, along with many mature thinkers, will have to tell you that you are plain wrong. I mean, yes, in retrospect, it is probably apparent that the person you married, provided that you were following God's will, was the person you were meant to marry. But if you believe that there is a person who when you find them, will just go "click" with you. You are in for a lifetime of bitterness and disappointment.

Now, I don't mean that you should just keep hacking at it with someone who just isn't compatible with you. There is a fine line between perseverance and obstinance. But it is true that nothing good in life is ever easily gotten.

We are fallen and sinful beings. To unite two fallen and broken things will cause frictions and pains that are incomprehensible until it is attempted. This is inevitable. If we are unwilling to fully commit because things are not perfect, I'm afraid we will either always be alone, or be grumpy and unhappy because we have not truly accepted our sinful nature and feel that we have done ourselves a disservice.

I mentioned above that marriage is very much so about God shaping our characters through it. Shaping of our character takes pain and restoration. May we not only understand but fully accept that we do not commit to a person because we believe that our other half will complete us as a human being, but with the full knowledge that God will carve saints out of sinners through the lifelong process.

3. Now. This third section. Some people explain commitment against this reason with game theory, saying that as you get older, the chance of finding someone better decreases and the utility of further search decreases. Certainly it's true. But I believe there is more.

Kk, let's be honest with the facts. There are roughly 3 billion of the opposite sex on this planet. There are roughly 150 million of the opposite sex in the United States alone. You will, without doubt, always find someone "better". Have no question about that.

When does enough really become enough? I mentioned in the previous point that we are broken and fallen beings, and that joining of two lives is always a difficult process. You are in the middle of a grind, you have problems. The only things that's carrying you sometimes is your perseverance, and perhaps fear of that gap that this person would leave if you gave up. Of course, when you meet that new person, it is exciting, it is fun, and it is refreshing. You don't know him/her well enough to have those real conflicts that you do with your significant other. Everyone puts their best foot forward at first. Remember how fun and exciting and new it was when you first started with your current S.O.?

There is nothing new under the sun, so says Solomon. I will bet you my left kidney that you will have problems with the new person too. They may not be the same problem, and they might not surface at the same pace, but they will. And then your eyes will once again wander.

And remember that I said you will, with enough persistence, find someone better. But then, there is always someone better. If we cannot let go of that "what if" question, we will always be restless and unhappy grasping after the wind.

Do you know what the bible calls this? I believe it's temptation.

Never the less. These are the questions that one must asks themselves. You must ask yourself these questions, and you must conquer them. To be able to lay down these questions, to accept that some of them may never be answered and some of them might not be pleasant. To accept your sinful and broken nature, and to also accept his/her sinful and broken nature and commit, that takes faith and maturity. I believe that is why older people are much faster and stable in their relationships, not only do they know better what they want, but they are also more mature.

Now if you have an overly developed critical mind or a super intuition, you will exclaim at this point about me, "well this guy is a trickster and a charlatan! He has promised intellectual arguments but he's done nothing but offer a load of rhetoric." Ah. I must confess you are onto me. But nonetheless, I must beg you to think about the words that have been written on this page, and what minute aspect if it may relate to you and your life.

I think the truth of the matter still stands, that commitment, not only in dating and marriage, but also life in general, is a product of maturity and faith.

My dear reader, may this not be an admonishment, but rather an encouragement. An encouragement for both you and me.

i'm afraid that i'm incapable of rhyming

2010-07-13T22:05:00.000-07:00

I feel the warmth of God in the smile of an infant
but I dunno if I see it in the tears of a parent

What good is there in being angry with God,
but where's the point of lying to yourself?

Why does rain fall on the righteous and the evil?
Why does He ask so much from the faithful?

Which one of us is blind, me or tragedy?
Which is more difficult, Providence or luck?

What use are my empty words of prayer
Is my house built on sand or rock?

But what is the sense in abandoning the good
simply because I am unable to handle the bad?

How do we mortals suffer like the Son of God
when the burdens of humanity is already so heavy?

How can I live with these doubts in my heart?
But how do I have faith without tests of trials?

And if these words be my last on earth
Can I dare knock on the gates of Heaven?

How will I rise again tomorrow morning?
How do I lay my heart at rest tonight?

The Crossing and Parting of Our Paths

2010-06-10T01:37:00.000-07:00

"Is God a clown who whips away your bowl of soup one moment in order, next moment, to replace it with another bowl of the same soup?"
-C.S. Lewis

I hear pretty commonly recently, "I'm really bad with transitions."
...well, is anyone really that good with transitions? It is a lot like grieving. You are losing a huge part of yourself, and the part of your life that you have put time and emotional resources into investing.

It's always an interesting and trying season of life, when you go through large transitions in which your entire social life and stability is uprooted and shaken. I suppose it is a blessing that it occurs more seldom and less severely as you age.

It sometimes seems to me a terrible prank of fate that every time things seem to settle down and life seems to get into a smooth and stable rhythm, that the passage of time, growth, and eventually death reintroduces chaos into the balance.

It is often explained that for us to have stability and permanent comfort in this life would make us complacent and would rid in us the longing for Heaven and His kingdom. Or that once we get into a stable rhythm, it's a sign that we've learned our lesson from that phase in life and need to move on. Fine. Let's leave it there for now (I have plenty of thoughts about that itself recently, but I'm afraid they're too chaotic right now to be expressed in a blog).

I realize that people often scramble back to rebuild that which they had lost to transitions, whatever it was before and however the transition happened. We try very hard to go back and restore/replicate our life back to the way it was when we were comfortable and content. The same relationship, same friendship dynamics, same small group, etc.

But I realize that reality never repeats itself. The past would lose its meaning if we could replicate it. And if past were to lose its meaning, so would our lives and our experiences.

I think we, especially those of us who graduated, can fall to thinking that the best times of our lives are behind us now. But we should look forward to the new tunes that our lives are ready to play for us, instead of trying to listen to the same songs over and over. When we walk with the Lord, the best years of our lives are always ahead of us.

On our Brokenness and Frailty

2010-06-04T01:49:00.000-07:00

My sphere of life is pretty small. I have never met a sex-traffic victim nor a war refuge. I don't know any starving child from Africa. When they're just some stats on a piece of paper or slideshow on a projector, they're easy to reconcile with God. They're easy to rationalize in the eternal scheme of things, and I can understand. But sometimes, when there is immense pain that I see in that tiny meager sphere of my life, then my faith is really tested. In fact, you never really know whether you really believe in what you profess until the stakes are raised enough to hurt you.

Today, I was revisited by an old wound. (This blog is very open, so I won't get into details.) It is surreal to see so much more than the fair share of pain in someone that you actually personally know and care about. Although her, my teacher and friend, seem to be holding strong to her faith, as I was leaving, I heard a small voice in my heart whisper: "Lord, you are incredibly cruel sometimes."

Then my heart sinks immediately. The human soul will crumble if it lives with blasphemy inside.

I am reminded of how much evil and depravity we are capable of, how much we are capable of committing terrible things to one another. And my fight with my own humanity and brokenness, and with God who allows such things, begins anew. When the stakes are raised. When that which rides on your faith is personal and tangible, the intellectual answers and rationales just don't cut it anymore. You can't deal with tangible pain with theoretical resolutions.

I used to think that as I matured in my Christianity, I would have less and smaller struggles and crises. I now realize that the more mature you are, the deeper your struggles and crises are. I also understand more the concept that as you age, your battles change from fighting the devil to wrestling with God.

And bitter and bleak as I feel, I understand that these are just old wounds that ache sometimes. This isn't some wound that has scabbed over but underneath is infected and festering. Like a katana continually being folded by the blacksmith in the fiery heat between the anvil and the hammer, I am confident that God is forging in me new character that my intellect in itself could never have produced before.

Reflections, Regrets, and Repentance

2010-04-17T04:32:00.000-07:00

"But the admirer indeed is in the strictest sense no true Christian, only the follower is that."
-SK

There is only one month of college left.

As I reflect about my college years and how I have spent the past four years of my time here at Berkeley, I can't help but be filled with sad regrets at the way I have stewarded my time. When I consider the way I have lived my life, only one word can accurately describe it: lukewarm.

I was much blessed, but I sacrificed little. I was given much, but I gave little. I was loved much, but I loved very little.

I know the love of Christ, and his redeeming blood, but I have failed to make my life look very different because of it.

Ah, yes sure. I've diligently read my bible, said my prayers, attended church and fellowship, and tithed meticulously. I've indeed grown so much more than I could have imagined in high school both emotionally and spiritually. God had indeed done some wondrous things in my life.

However, if I am honest with myself, I see that I have lived a very lukewarm life. I wasted my time away frivolously. I did not passionately seek to serve a cause and sought to make others lives better. What happened to those high school days in which at least I volunteered every week at the soup kitchen? How much did I try to spread the Gospel of Love and Hope to this campus? How much did I try to serve those in my community? How did I try to give my time and my effort to reach other to those in need, both materially and spiritually? How much did I pray for my family who do not know Christ? How much did it cost me to be a Christian in the past four years?

Not much. Not very much at all. I've spent quite the effort in becoming a "holy" theologian on top of an isolated mountain.

And even now, I find myself unwilling to move. I find myself going down that same old lukewarm path. I foresee myself just going to more school, working, living that mediocre lackluster life that shows no love and makes no impact.

And at least for tonight, it breaks my heart.

Too often, we are too focused on the "positive" sins. Positive in the sense that we did something that we ought not have done. However, there are plenty of "negative" sins that we commit daily without even realizing. Negative in the sense that we did not do something that we ought to have done. For those of you who criticize me for being too hard on myself might be dismayed to hear this, but I am realizing that the list of things that I ought to have done but have not done may be much much longer than the list of things that I ought not to have done, but have done.

I have much to be accountable to God for.

I have had quite too many epiphanies that did not actually make a change in me to know that I won't wake up tomorrow suddenly a radically different human being and on fire. But my prayer tonight before I lay myself down to sleep will be that I will wake up tomorrow a degree warmer, and so on gradually fully tune my heart to His will. I want to live in that "fear and trembling" of the responsibility of the stewardship that God has bestowed on me. I must not have this same regret for the rest of my life.

Prayer and Disappointments

2010-04-09T00:57:00.001-07:00

"Prayer changes not God but him who prays."
-SK

Prayer, methinks, must be one of the most mysterious and difficult to understand concept in Christianity. I think I could much more easily intellectually discuss predestination, the God-man, trinity, and to a degree, even free will than prayer. And the most bothersome part of that is the fact that prayer is much more a daily practice issue than anything else I could think about in Christianity.

Intellectually, it comes down to this: What is the point of prayer? It seems to me an incredibly odd thing to pray to God, especially intercessory prayer. I guess it just comes down to the oddity/purpose of talking to someone who already knows everything. Why bother praying? God knows what you will pray anyway. What difference does it make? Does intercession really matter? Can God be changed? The bible says God is immutable, yet it seems to give examples of intercessory prayer changing fates of people (i.e. Abraham and Moses), did God pull their legs?

Haha, anyway. If the questions above bother you, you could message me at ivan.fyodorovich.karamazov@gmail.com and we'll talk actual theology. But really, I think it's difficult and I don't really have a satisfactory answer, but I do have some thoughts. But really...this is a thesis for PhD in Theology material. (which, perhaps, I shall tackle one day).

Practically, it comes down to this: What is the point of prayer? At the core of it, most people who pray (including non-Christians) tend to think that God is some sort of a cosmic vending machine, and prayer is the coin. I tend to suffer on the other side of the line, in that I rarely ever ask for anything in specific. I would like to think that it is because I am surrendered to God's will as to the outcome, but really, if I'm honest with myself, it is most likely because I am too afraid of the prayer being unanswered (or the answer being no). After all, I can't be disappointed if I didn't ask for anything and thus have no expectations, right? Then my faith is more stable because I won't have to struggle with my disappointments with God, because that is just not acceptable.

Recently, I've been having bouts of doubt. I sometimes wonder if we just give credit to God when by chance good outcomes happen, and blame ourselves or our bad prayers if by chance bad outcomes happen. I pray pray pray pray and pray some more and then torture myself with the question whether I'm praying with only my mouth and not my heart. I've seen people desperately and earnestly pray for things just to be denied, and I've seen people pray for what I think are the dumbest things ever and still be answered. It just all seems so RANDOM.

So...it comes back to the question, why do I pray? I really want to conduct some experiment, to see whether prayer actually has a bearing on reality. I have a hundred intellectual answers why prayer turns out to be the way it does, but it's always hard to swallow emotionally.

Supposedly, prayer changes not God but you who pray. I guess that makes sense in a sort of paradoxical way. I think prayer is a mystery. Prayer is just as much a mystery and contradiction as the concept of Jesus' divinity or finding true life in sharing his death. And as much, I think prayer is, each and every time, a test of faith, and a mirror by which it reveals the content of our hearts.

What do I mean? I think that the purest, simplest, and the truest answer to why we pray is because we are commanded to do so by God. God tells us to pray, and tells us that it matters, somehow. We do not understand how or why, and therefore now we're at a fork in the road with a sign that is in itself a contradiction. Each time we're on our knees (and yes I'm old-fashioned like that) we each have a choice. It is as if Christ asks us each time, "Will thou believe that I hear thy supplications though thou may not understand nor feel heard?" We can take this command in contradiction as an empty gesture, lose heart and doubt. We can take this command in paradox as a tool and misrepresent and misuse it. Or we can choose to take each occasion as a sign of our faith in God whose mystery is greater than our comprehension. And as we continually and unceasingly choose to take the step of faith and lay down our will and self to God, it reveals, nay, rather it shapes the content of our heart to His will. I imagine this is how prayer changes us.

I would like to close this odd blog post with a reminder, my reader, that the Kingdom of Heaven advances on its knees.

baby steps

2010-03-16T02:14:00.000-07:00

"That is to say, the truth, in the sense in which Christ was the truth, is not a sum of sentences, not a definition of concepts, etc., but a life."
-SK

I hope you won't think me too weird if I say I carry a good amount of darkness inside my heart.

Mmm...a bit too melodramatic of a start, but I think if we're honest with ourselves, it is probably true of all of us. If darkness sounds weird, maybe sin? (too much connotation tho) maybe depravity? Or perhaps a burden on my soul? hahaha

Sometimes it shows itself in those oddly short-fused moods or those deeply entrenched melancholy. But, anyway, whatever it is, there is this poignantly heavy part of my soul.

I used to think that the only way that I would begin to be cured of this is that I would be embraced and loved even if I fully bared this chain on my soul.

I realize now that such is very far from the truth. The way to be free from this chain is not to have someone embrace me while I bared my dark and ugly side, but to embrace and love others when they bare their dark and ugly sides.

This, in some way, is a terrible truth. How am I to embrace and love others while seeing their dark and ugly sides, when I haven't even dealt with my own dark and ugly side? How is it fair that I need to carry others' burdens when I am so heavy-laden with my own? But I'm starting to believe that my burdens will be removed only when I carry the burdens of others. I used feel that I have no mental and emotional energy to care for others, yet what I need is not to receive that energy and capacity from the love of others, but have faith in God that God will provide. And funny enough, God doesn't really have people like me wake up one day and feel all refreshed, free, and loving. It is a grueling process laden with nothing but tiny baby steps based on faith and discipline.

Oh and I'm so terribly ashamed as I write this, because I am a very miserable and selfish failure. But what can I do but wake up each morning and renew my resolve...only to fail that very day and repeat the cycle again? May the Lord have mercy on my soul and grace for my heart.

"I believe, oh Lord, help my unbelief!" - Mark 9:24

Decision Making

2010-02-28T05:46:00.000-08:00

I believe in an instantaneous model of decision making. Now, I don't mean I believe in it in the sense that I believe in good work-ethics. I don't mean that we ought to do it that way, but I believe that this is what happens in reality.

So what do I mean instantaneous model of decision making? I mean that people, for the most part, make up their mind instantly the moment they're faced with a decision (a choice, the options) and all the following facts. Oh sure, some of us are more slower and indecisive than others, and so may take a while to sit around and "agonize" over it and seek advice (which is really confirmation) and just procrastinating on accepting that choice that they've already made in their mind just below the consciousness. You ever notice you tend to ignore advices that don't really go the way you want but tend to really embrace the ones do support what you want?

Some of you may be thinking that I am completely off and wrong. That's ok. But I really do believe that given all the information about a choice, the human mind chooses right away. (I certainly am hugely influenced by that dreaded determinism...but that is a blog entry for another time...and perhaps for another audience). Yes, sometimes, more information comes along the way and may change our mind, but given a set of facts and the subsequent choices, whether you choose at the day after you are given the choice or a week after, chances are you were going to make the same decision.

What is the practical implication? I'm not 100% sure. But this definitely has helped me be more decisive (the flip side is rash...but I have rarely been accused of making rash decisions.)

Let me talk a bit about personal examples. Those of you who only likes reading about somewhat objective parts of my blog can stop reading now, I don't have much more to offer you and you'll just have to chew and brood over it on your own. (But I suppose according to my theory you've already made up your mind about whether to agree or disagree).

I have these moments in decision making which I call "mental clicks". It literally feels like something just "clicked" in my head, and I know what my choice is immediately. I have not always put those choices into actions right away, but they might as well be graved in stone as far as their finality is concerned. Sometimes I may "sit on it" and "seek advice" but I do know that it is done. This I do not think happens to most other people; I may be a minority. But it does demonstrate clearly my belief in this model.

Want to know what kind of decisions I made based on those clicks? For example, it was one of these clicks when I became a Christian.

Sometimes, they're divinely inspired. It definitely was that quiet ordinary night that I acknowledged the presence and influence of God in my life and surrendered my belief in atheism and accepted Christianity as the truth.

Anyway. I digressed a bit. My "application" or "recommendation" is an invitation and an exhortation to be a bit more reflective of your own decision making process, and perhaps a bit more of honesty. Those "clicks" I've been talking about were not some impossible to disobey compulsions (and I do have those as well) but something I've learned over the years to recognize, and it made my life a lot easier afterward. You also may discover your own "click" and find that it makes your decision process a little easier and faster.

I see a lot of people that like to take their time to think and pray about their decisions. I certainly agree that it is a good practice. However, you don't always get to have that time to think and pray about things as you would like. So what is the answer? I think that the more you are in such a habit of constantly seeking after God's will, the more likely your decision will be in line with God's will even if you were to make a snap decision on the spot.

P. S. I realize that I made it sound like I can make those "click" snap decisions and be right because I'm in the habit of constantly seeking after God. That's very far from the truth. Many of the "snap" moments have come after agonizing struggle with myself and God and are often an undeserved blessing from God to give me a small respite in that terrible mental grappling process.

Also, if you disagree with my model completely. Please disregard this whole post and don't be offended as if I'm saying what I say and do is right and I think people ought to imitate me. If only you find something I say resonate with you, then perhaps it will be helpful.

the company of the one in the mirror

2009-12-23T02:27:00.001-08:00

this sloppy entry is the last of my prolific blogging for the month, and for the year...i think

sometimes it creeps up on me unexpected, usually after a large, fun, frantic event filled with people. or sometimes it grips me in the ankle after I finish a big project or endeavor. sometimes, it is if I think i made some rather stupid social blunder. I come home, and sit down, and suddenly get this odd sensation that I have disconnected from the rest of the world.

It's as if the rapture happened without me knowing. Or I think if i go outside on the streets, it will be empty, that somehow I am the only remaining human on the face of the planet.

WAIT WAIT! before you call me an emo-tard and close this page, i will make this applicable, i promise.

I suspect, despite what surveys that psychologists conduct say, that the biggest fear of mankind is being lonely. ok, maybe not the biggest, but it's certainly tied to the biggest, which is meaninglessness. mmmhmmm...here is where you put in a ton of interjection about how you are not afraid of being lonely and you are more than capable of living the rest of your life alone.

I do not mean being single. i mean being lonely. For example, let's say you are really really deathly afraid of snakes. would you rather die from multiple snake bites while holding onto the hand of the one you love the most, or would you rather die a completely lonely death, with nobody noticing your death and being completely forgotten by the rest of the world?

YOU LIAR! you rather get bit by the snakes!

anyway, when i was in that bout of panic of being disconnected, of having no company except my own, i used to frantically search for some kind of connection, trying to talk to people online that i haven't talked to in a while or...i dunno, whatever.
I've come, over the years, to the realization that the inability to cope with my own company is a deficiency, perhaps a sort of insecurity.

i do realize that i have not really done a good job of supporting that this is a universal trait. maybe i'm wrong, and i'm just really that much of a weirdo. mmm...i think that unlikely. i think it manifests in different ways. maybe you get melancholic (like myself), maybe you get grumpy and overly sensitive, maybe you get alcoholic, something. or maybe you're so secure in yourself that there's nothing that happens, in which case I wonder why you're reading my blog because my words are probably tainting your holy eyes.

of course, not only does this vary between people symptomatically, but also in severity. yet, i suspect that this trait makes all of us prone to letting those around us define a part of the core of who we are

please do not misunderstand, i think we're meant to be social creatures. we definitely need each other. I once went on this one trip (ask me more about it person) where I was basically by myself without any substantial human contact for a week. and it really really...sucked. (but i learned a lot...hmmm maybe that'll be a blog entry some time later)

Anyway, the only point i wanted to get across is, that i dont think most people take enough time to be alone, reflective, and still. i began to try my best to appreciate those time of seemingly deep detachment, when everything seems to stand still and I am truly alone. i found that i am often blessed with some epiphany, reflection; those moments allow me to ground who i am in God and recharge that I may be able to interact with others in a stable and caring manner. it also allows me to appreciate people better as well.

It is rather difficult at times. Solitude and quietness of the soul, like all other finer things in life, are acquired tastes. but i've found that even in the moments of deepest solitude and quietness, God has always and faithfully been my company.

two quick random thoughts

2009-12-22T02:54:00.000-08:00

oh no, i'm becoming more prolific with my blogging!

1. to add a humorous note to the somewhat somber last entry, i thought of a list of possible causes of death which may kill me at any given day, in the order of least to greatest likelihood.

irate ex-girlfriends, plane crash, train wreck, arthritis-induced falling down the stairs, rain-induced falling down the stairs, suicide from a bout of insanity, random violent crime, biking/snowboarding accident, car accident, getting shot for saying a racist joke too loud, cardiac arrest caused by excessive cholesterol and saturated fat.

2. the function of accountability should be to enhance your conscience, not ACT as your conscience.

a reflection about myself at 6am

2009-12-14T00:57:00.000-08:00

I have a small and odd confession to make. Every time I'm about to leave on a break, especially if I'm going away somewhere far, such as flying overseas, I do certain things to somewhat prepare myself for the remote contingency that I may not come back. In other words, I treat certain types of days or events as possibly my last.

That sounds really odd, but I'm just sort of honestly reflecting after my small graduation/end of semester party. But yes, I do certain things in ways that would minimize regrets/bitterness in case I die or something random like that.

I say bye to people with genuine smiles, and wish them well. I do my best to leave everything on positive notes. I make an effort to hug everyone, and if I hug them normally, then I hold them a little longer and a little tighter than usual. I try to give a little bit of myself to everyone that I care about.

I always come back, and then I chuckle at my small, childish, and somewhat irrational mental preparations for the "in case of death or grave accident." But perhaps one day, I won't (or maybe even someone else), and I'll be glad that I left things the way that I usually do. And the people will hopefully remember fondly the last time they saw me.

An Addendum to my last entry...an odd musing

2009-11-27T03:57:00.000-08:00

I thought that perhaps the conclusion of my last entry was rushed and not fully developed. Also, I got some questions about the nature of the ideal and voluntary surrender of power play.

Instead of directly addressing the questions or expound more on the meaning and definition of power play (which I realized is incredibly difficult), I think I might just go ahead and do what may make most sense: explain in a more personal sense.

I've grappled with my own suggestion/conclusion from my last entry. What would it look for me to not play my own games? Is it even possible?

I am every once so often reminded of how fragile I am. And every time my heart directs me to go anywhere, I'm frantically wary of adding another crack here and another chip there to the glass heart inside that's already got its wear and tear from the short number of years I've been alive. I suppose to me, power play is the relational equivalent of bubble wrap....or something like that.

But isn't that my lack of faith in God? Can't the love of God heal every crack and every wound, comfort us in every disappointment? Will not the grace of God maintain so that our hearts would never give out, and even if it does, will God not be there still? Isn't the power of God greater than our fragility?

As I contemplate those questions, I once again run into a question of the illusion of self-sufficiency. My "power play" (or the pathetic excuse for one) is ultimately my own efforts to protect myself. Yet now I realize that I will never be able to protect myself without turning into some reclusive freak. Just as I must trust God to take care of me and provide for me in things like daily sustenance, I must also trust in God to protect and take care of my heart.

That may sound really weird, and sort of cliche. Yet, I understand that my life has been a struggle of balancing the regrets of what I have done and the regrets of what I have not done. I wonder if and when I am able to leave the state of my heart entirely in the hands of God, I shall find there the true freedom to live fully.

Dating, Power Play, and the Prisoner's Dilemma

2009-11-18T12:52:00.001-08:00

This kind of stuff usually starts with a disclaimer, and so shall mine.
My life is a series of failures and my actions do not always mirror my words.

K, now that I've signed the liability agreement for hypocrisy, let's get on with some definitions...in reverse order of the title.

Prisoner's Dilemma is a favorite scenario of economists for game theory and studying the famous Nash equilibrium. The scenario goes as follows: two suspects are in the police station being questioned and charged with a crime. They're in separate rooms and cannot communicate to each other, and they each have two choices: to confess or to hold out. If they both hold out, then each of them will receive only 2 years of prison time. If they both confess, they each receive 5 years of prison time. However, if one holds out, but the other confesses, the one who confesses only receives a year of prison time but the one who held out receives 10 years of prison time. Let's see if I can make a chart

	Prisoner B
Prisoner A		Confess	Do not confess
	Confess	5\5	1\10
	Do not confess	10\1	2\2

As you can see, whatever the other party chooses, the suspect is better off confessing. For A, if B confesses, you rather confess and get 5 years instead of not confess and get 10 years, and if B does not confess, it is also better to confess and get 1 year of prison time instead of not confessing and getting 2 years. And since they can't communicate to each other about their choices, they both choose to confess and each get 5 years of prison time. That is the Nash equilibrium (basically the outcome when people just choose their best options). If you look though, it is collectively much better to both not confess, for a total prison time of 4 years.

Whew, that took way longer than I intended. If that didn't make any sense, don't worry about it. The important thing to remember is that, it is better to cooperate (not confess) as a whole, but because of the communication barrier and a lil bit of selfish (but very natural) thinking, they both choose to not cooperate (confess) and are both worse off. That is what is applicable for the rest of what I wanted to quip about.

Let's define power play. This isn't as easy to define and explain. Power play, in let's say...a negotiation is how to best get what you want, but by hiding what you really want. For example, if we are talking about three things in a job negotiation - salary, health benefit, and vacation time - but as a company I really only care about the salary, I don't want to flat out say it. I want to pretend that I also care about health benefit and vacation time as well, so that when I seem to make concessions on those things, I can take more concessions from you about the salary. Sometime you need to hide what you want in order to get it easier (people are unfortunately more reluctant to give you what you want.)

Basically, it comes down to when I have something you want, I have power over you in proportion to how much you want it. In dating, or to be exact, before a relationship officially begins, this can translate to the art of balancing the push and the pull, seeming interested enough but not desperate. Trying to get the other person to want you without making it very obvious that you want the other person...and so on.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, then you can stop reading now...I can't really explain any better and the rest won't make any sense.

Let's define dating now...JK. But I'm really more or less talking about the stages before an official dating relationship starts.

You might think that I'm ridiculous or crazy. You might even claim that you never do any power play. That is just not possible, nobody is that open and vulnerable. No guy will ever flat out tell you from the onset that he is attracted to you and wants to get to know you better (and that's the best case scenario). No girl will ever come out and say I'm spending time with you in hopes that we could take this further. Yes things sometimes happen halfway, but the point being, we do a lot of things to guard ourselves, while trying to un-guard the other.

And here comes my ultimate point. Power play creates in our pre-relationship stages a dilemma for us, the prisoner's dilemma. It would be much better if both parties laid down their power play and were open and vulnerable. But it would be some serious problem for you if you laid down your power play but the other party did not. Imagine how bad of a job negotiation it would be if you came in and told me everything you cared about and I told you nothing about what I cared about.

You might think...why would I keep my power play if the other person drops his/hers? Oh that's the power of power. If you look at the chart above, it is better if you keep your non-cooperative option either way, and remember that clear communication is blocked. (People can't just declare from the onset that they're going to keep or drop the power play).

The result is the Nash equilibrium. Everyone has to do the whole power play dance. If you disagree with me, either you've never been in a serious dating situation, or you're a lot older and more mature than I (unlikely...considering I'm as old as the first printing press), or you're a saint, or you're just plain unaware.

Either way, the point is, we're all burdened and jaded by this power play. And in many ways, it sets up an ill-fated pattern that often carries into the actual relationship itself. Power play is rooted in hiding your emotions and desires, and in some ways you might say deception.

I've said enough doom and gloom about relationships. And yes, I'm a little biased and a little pessimistic. I guess...well. Hm...let me think about the conclusion of this a little.

When I think about the next time I date (hahaha...what a joke), I would like to think that I would be brave and mature enough to flat out lay down all power plays and ridiculous amount of guards that I put up and the stupid mind games. I had daydreams in which my courage and honesty conquers my insecurities and fears.

...there's a reason why it's daydreaming. I'm honestly not sure how realistic it is...but wouldn't it be wonderful and beautiful if I/you/we could be open, vulnerable, and honest with ourselves and with each other. We would see so many more healthy relationships around us, and we ourselves would be much happier.

And above all, I think it would be the right thing to do.

for the camel to the enter through the eye of the needle

2009-10-18T03:10:00.000-07:00

I recently discovered that I don't particularly have a good way of getting over huge disappointments. I am pretty good at avoiding some situations that may lead to disappointments, and I would like to think I exercise pretty decent self-control with not throwing temper tantrums at little disappointments that are just plain inevitable in life. And frankly, sometime I avoid things because I'm afraid I'll just be disappointed. Nevertheless, the truth is, my life hasn't really had that many huge disappointments.

So when I'm struck by one of those huge, seemingly super-randomly bad luck that just totally craps on what I think I am entitled to, it is difficult to process it. While I have already intellectually processed it at amazing speeds with multiple resolutions, emotionally I'm lagging horribly behind, taking only small steps at a time.

Amidst all these things, I've been thinking about what it means to rely on God, and how much of my abandonment to God is mere lip service. Although I keep saying with my mouth that God is my provider and my rock, in my heart my provider and my rock is my achievements and my intelligence and ability. Aside from my incredible amount of pride, I realize how much I've turned my capabilities into my comforter and my rock. It is just sand, I keep saying, but I keep on building my house on it.

And I was thinking about how it is more difficult for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven than for a camel to go through the eye of the needle. And yes, we are indeed very rich. We might not feel that way, I certainly don't, but considering that I'm writing this and you're reading this, we're probably rich compared to the rest of the world. That's besides the point and really just beating a dead horse. But I also think that we are also incredibly rich in our gifts and talents as well. In some ways, it is so very difficult for us to rely on God, because we are so richly endowed. We grow up our entire lives thinking of capitalizing on that wealth of talent that God has given us, that we often forget about the Giver himself. Why do we need to bother clinging to God as our provider and our rock, when we have so much already and are so deeply entrenched in the illusion that we can provide for ourselves?

Frankly, even as I struggle to emotionally cope with the miserable failure of my plan A, and keep reminding myself that God is indeed in control and that nothing escapes His providence, my brain is working frantically at the speed of neural transmitters on plans B-Z.

Looking back, I'm not sure if there was ever a time when I didn't have a plan B, but just simply clung to God as my only hope. And honestly, I hope that my life would never come to that point. Oh me of little faith. Really, I pray that I would learn my lesson when God crushes my plan A, so that He wouldn't have to keep on moving down from B to Z.

Of course, expecting God to provide is not the same as expecting manna to fall from heaven. Nonetheless, I feel that I am too rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. I'm not sure if I'm even trying.

so i wrote a story...and it's a silly story.

2009-06-17T01:17:00.000-07:00

It was a bright-moonlit night. Except that the clouds were covering the moon. Father Alex was holding his monthly vigil in the sanctuary when he noticed that a presence had entered the room. Turning around, he saw that it was a man in his 40s. Or perhaps more like late 30s. In a black overcoat and an old gray scarf covering his entire neck and part of his face, he was a very plain and average looking man. The man slowly walked into the confessional booth, despite it being a very late hour and it being obvious that there was nobody in the other side, as if bidding father Alex to come and somehow knowing that he would.

Though the man was very plain and unassuming, father Alex felt unsettled as he took his place in the booth, as if some sort of danger was present. Before father Alex could say anything, the man began his impatient chatter.

"Did you know father, that a drunk driver in New York City hit a little girl today? Just a couple of minutes ago. It hasn't even hit the news yet. Instantly killed her, he did. And you know, the little girl's father is a pastor. And oh so tragic, this will destroy his faith in his God."

The man continued before the shocked father Alex could say anything else.

"Oh and that's not all. Did you know that a warlord in Congo held a public execution of eight children in front of their peers? Execution by firing squad, children all under 13 years old, shot by child soldiers, just to ensure his iron grip on them."

Father Alex finally managed to get a word out,
"I'm afraid I don't understand, what is this about?"

"Oh but this is confession, is it not? And this is just a mere glimpse of all that the world attributes as my doing, for just today! Oh my, but there's one more that I must share with you! Can you believe some fool in London signed a contract with me for the love of a woman that he can not even keep? Now, that is something that just does not happen nowadays. Imagine how delighted I was."

"Ah it's alright father. I do not actually expect any words of forgiveness of exhortation from you. I just wanted a listening ear. You were, after all, praying that God would show you something different today, were you not?"

"So allow me to ramble on a little bit more, would you? I've attended some graduations recently, both college and high school. I know, it's funny. But I do like to do random human things every once in a while, you know? I like to hear what sentimental yet totally unremembered things the salutatorians and the valedictorians say to their classmates. So this valedictorian kid, he goes up to the podium, and all he says is 'I hope you all remember: the essence of man's existence is not subsistence but purpose.'

And I thought, listen to this kid! Then something that came to my attention a while ago briefly came back to me. This girl of 25, just after finishing law school, decided that she would rather be poor and work for the cause of sex slaves in Manilla instead of making $200,000 a year working for a firm in LA. And you know. That, to her, gave her purpose. She chose purpose over subsistence. And an excellent choice she made, wouldn't you say, father? What's it to you if you gain the world but lose your soul, eh? But still, I was thinking. She's so passionate about this cause, to fight against this EVIL of sex slavery. And such evil it is, indeed. And yet, I wonder if she knows that she needs that evil that she despises so strongly? For without that evil she'd be left diretionless and empty."

"That's just ridiculous-" began father Alex.

"Ah, but is it?" Resumed the man, cutting off father Alex's objection.
"Imagine, father. That if there was no sex trafficking, then there would not be any reason to fight for social justice in those countries. If there was no civil wars and corrupt government starving out their own citizens and their children, and if people laid down their greed and selfishness so that their neighbors are taken care of then there would be no need for those that devote themselves to the cause of helping the poor either. Imagine father...every cause that people devote their lives to, and thus glorify God with, is there because of the presence of some evil. What would the world be like if tomorrow morning all the evils were gone?"

"It would be paradise. Heaven on earth." Quietly replied father Alex.

"Yes! For a week! But then it would be BORING! It would be one holy tedious church service! Can you imagine a world where being a lawyer or an engineer is just as noble as any other jobs? Can man suddenly accept that just living for a subsistence is now an acceptable purpose? Certainly, not everyone can or should become pastors and priests, no? It is absolutely undeniable, that the essence of man's life is not subsistence but purpose. But only the presence of evil can give man purpose. Is it not true?"

"And so it shall be that even if I cease to exist tomorrow, humanity shall rise up to take my place, for man cannot exist without evil. Thus it shall be that until Christ returns once more and establishes His rule on earth, man shall depend on evil to give him purpose. And though it may be that indeed when He returns that all the eyes of the sinful men will be opened and they shall lay down the conflict that is at the core of their souls and cry out 'Thou art just, oh Lord!' Yet until then, Man may not escape from the necessity that is evil."

With a sudden tone of sadness, the man continued in a slower pace.

"Perhaps it was ordained from the beginning that man must suffer for as long as he exists in this world until the time when His mystery and Glory shall be revealed. Perhaps it was ordained from the beginning that he would reach out and take the forbidden apple in order that he may truly exist. Perhaps it was ordained from the start that I must forever exist as the grim yet undeniable testament to God and His light. Could that be true?"

At this point, the man suddenly paused, seemingly still, as if he had suddenly realized that he was rambling on like a madman. A full minute passed by with nothing said between the two of them; a silence that seem to last an eternity.

"Forgive me father, I must have overstayed my welcome." With it, the man suddenly got up and opened the door of the booth. Hurriedly, father Alex stepped outside the booth as well to try to catch up to the man, but he had somehow already vanished out of the room.

Standing still, father Alex was deep in thought, debating and processing in his mind what fantastical dream he had just experienced.

Still unsure and unable to calm the turmoil that was budding in his heart, he nonetheless returned to the altar. Getting on his knees before the cross, he once again resumed his prayers.