"Is God a clown who whips away your bowl of soup one moment in order, next moment, to replace it with another bowl of the same soup?"
-C.S. Lewis
I hear pretty commonly recently, "I'm really bad with transitions."
...well, is anyone really that good with transitions? It is a lot like grieving. You are losing a huge part of yourself, and the part of your life that you have put time and emotional resources into investing.
It's always an interesting and trying season of life, when you go through large transitions in which your entire social life and stability is uprooted and shaken. I suppose it is a blessing that it occurs more seldom and less severely as you age.
It sometimes seems to me a terrible prank of fate that every time things seem to settle down and life seems to get into a smooth and stable rhythm, that the passage of time, growth, and eventually death reintroduces chaos into the balance.
It is often explained that for us to have stability and permanent comfort in this life would make us complacent and would rid in us the longing for Heaven and His kingdom. Or that once we get into a stable rhythm, it's a sign that we've learned our lesson from that phase in life and need to move on. Fine. Let's leave it there for now (I have plenty of thoughts about that itself recently, but I'm afraid they're too chaotic right now to be expressed in a blog).
I realize that people often scramble back to rebuild that which they had lost to transitions, whatever it was before and however the transition happened. We try very hard to go back and restore/replicate our life back to the way it was when we were comfortable and content. The same relationship, same friendship dynamics, same small group, etc.
But I realize that reality never repeats itself. The past would lose its meaning if we could replicate it. And if past were to lose its meaning, so would our lives and our experiences.
I think we, especially those of us who graduated, can fall to thinking that the best times of our lives are behind us now. But we should look forward to the new tunes that our lives are ready to play for us, instead of trying to listen to the same songs over and over. When we walk with the Lord, the best years of our lives are always ahead of us.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Friday, April 9, 2010
Prayer and Disappointments
"Prayer changes not God but him who prays."
-SK
Prayer, methinks, must be one of the most mysterious and difficult to understand concept in Christianity. I think I could much more easily intellectually discuss predestination, the God-man, trinity, and to a degree, even free will than prayer. And the most bothersome part of that is the fact that prayer is much more a daily practice issue than anything else I could think about in Christianity.
Intellectually, it comes down to this: What is the point of prayer? It seems to me an incredibly odd thing to pray to God, especially intercessory prayer. I guess it just comes down to the oddity/purpose of talking to someone who already knows everything. Why bother praying? God knows what you will pray anyway. What difference does it make? Does intercession really matter? Can God be changed? The bible says God is immutable, yet it seems to give examples of intercessory prayer changing fates of people (i.e. Abraham and Moses), did God pull their legs?
Haha, anyway. If the questions above bother you, you could message me at ivan.fyodorovich.karamazov@gmail.com and we'll talk actual theology. But really, I think it's difficult and I don't really have a satisfactory answer, but I do have some thoughts. But really...this is a thesis for PhD in Theology material. (which, perhaps, I shall tackle one day).
Practically, it comes down to this: What is the point of prayer? At the core of it, most people who pray (including non-Christians) tend to think that God is some sort of a cosmic vending machine, and prayer is the coin. I tend to suffer on the other side of the line, in that I rarely ever ask for anything in specific. I would like to think that it is because I am surrendered to God's will as to the outcome, but really, if I'm honest with myself, it is most likely because I am too afraid of the prayer being unanswered (or the answer being no). After all, I can't be disappointed if I didn't ask for anything and thus have no expectations, right? Then my faith is more stable because I won't have to struggle with my disappointments with God, because that is just not acceptable.
Recently, I've been having bouts of doubt. I sometimes wonder if we just give credit to God when by chance good outcomes happen, and blame ourselves or our bad prayers if by chance bad outcomes happen. I pray pray pray pray and pray some more and then torture myself with the question whether I'm praying with only my mouth and not my heart. I've seen people desperately and earnestly pray for things just to be denied, and I've seen people pray for what I think are the dumbest things ever and still be answered. It just all seems so RANDOM.
So...it comes back to the question, why do I pray? I really want to conduct some experiment, to see whether prayer actually has a bearing on reality. I have a hundred intellectual answers why prayer turns out to be the way it does, but it's always hard to swallow emotionally.
Supposedly, prayer changes not God but you who pray. I guess that makes sense in a sort of paradoxical way. I think prayer is a mystery. Prayer is just as much a mystery and contradiction as the concept of Jesus' divinity or finding true life in sharing his death. And as much, I think prayer is, each and every time, a test of faith, and a mirror by which it reveals the content of our hearts.
What do I mean? I think that the purest, simplest, and the truest answer to why we pray is because we are commanded to do so by God. God tells us to pray, and tells us that it matters, somehow. We do not understand how or why, and therefore now we're at a fork in the road with a sign that is in itself a contradiction. Each time we're on our knees (and yes I'm old-fashioned like that) we each have a choice. It is as if Christ asks us each time, "Will thou believe that I hear thy supplications though thou may not understand nor feel heard?" We can take this command in contradiction as an empty gesture, lose heart and doubt. We can take this command in paradox as a tool and misrepresent and misuse it. Or we can choose to take each occasion as a sign of our faith in God whose mystery is greater than our comprehension. And as we continually and unceasingly choose to take the step of faith and lay down our will and self to God, it reveals, nay, rather it shapes the content of our heart to His will. I imagine this is how prayer changes us.
I would like to close this odd blog post with a reminder, my reader, that the Kingdom of Heaven advances on its knees.
-SK
Prayer, methinks, must be one of the most mysterious and difficult to understand concept in Christianity. I think I could much more easily intellectually discuss predestination, the God-man, trinity, and to a degree, even free will than prayer. And the most bothersome part of that is the fact that prayer is much more a daily practice issue than anything else I could think about in Christianity.
Intellectually, it comes down to this: What is the point of prayer? It seems to me an incredibly odd thing to pray to God, especially intercessory prayer. I guess it just comes down to the oddity/purpose of talking to someone who already knows everything. Why bother praying? God knows what you will pray anyway. What difference does it make? Does intercession really matter? Can God be changed? The bible says God is immutable, yet it seems to give examples of intercessory prayer changing fates of people (i.e. Abraham and Moses), did God pull their legs?
Haha, anyway. If the questions above bother you, you could message me at ivan.fyodorovich.karamazov@gmail.com and we'll talk actual theology. But really, I think it's difficult and I don't really have a satisfactory answer, but I do have some thoughts. But really...this is a thesis for PhD in Theology material. (which, perhaps, I shall tackle one day).
Practically, it comes down to this: What is the point of prayer? At the core of it, most people who pray (including non-Christians) tend to think that God is some sort of a cosmic vending machine, and prayer is the coin. I tend to suffer on the other side of the line, in that I rarely ever ask for anything in specific. I would like to think that it is because I am surrendered to God's will as to the outcome, but really, if I'm honest with myself, it is most likely because I am too afraid of the prayer being unanswered (or the answer being no). After all, I can't be disappointed if I didn't ask for anything and thus have no expectations, right? Then my faith is more stable because I won't have to struggle with my disappointments with God, because that is just not acceptable.
Recently, I've been having bouts of doubt. I sometimes wonder if we just give credit to God when by chance good outcomes happen, and blame ourselves or our bad prayers if by chance bad outcomes happen. I pray pray pray pray and pray some more and then torture myself with the question whether I'm praying with only my mouth and not my heart. I've seen people desperately and earnestly pray for things just to be denied, and I've seen people pray for what I think are the dumbest things ever and still be answered. It just all seems so RANDOM.
So...it comes back to the question, why do I pray? I really want to conduct some experiment, to see whether prayer actually has a bearing on reality. I have a hundred intellectual answers why prayer turns out to be the way it does, but it's always hard to swallow emotionally.
Supposedly, prayer changes not God but you who pray. I guess that makes sense in a sort of paradoxical way. I think prayer is a mystery. Prayer is just as much a mystery and contradiction as the concept of Jesus' divinity or finding true life in sharing his death. And as much, I think prayer is, each and every time, a test of faith, and a mirror by which it reveals the content of our hearts.
What do I mean? I think that the purest, simplest, and the truest answer to why we pray is because we are commanded to do so by God. God tells us to pray, and tells us that it matters, somehow. We do not understand how or why, and therefore now we're at a fork in the road with a sign that is in itself a contradiction. Each time we're on our knees (and yes I'm old-fashioned like that) we each have a choice. It is as if Christ asks us each time, "Will thou believe that I hear thy supplications though thou may not understand nor feel heard?" We can take this command in contradiction as an empty gesture, lose heart and doubt. We can take this command in paradox as a tool and misrepresent and misuse it. Or we can choose to take each occasion as a sign of our faith in God whose mystery is greater than our comprehension. And as we continually and unceasingly choose to take the step of faith and lay down our will and self to God, it reveals, nay, rather it shapes the content of our heart to His will. I imagine this is how prayer changes us.
I would like to close this odd blog post with a reminder, my reader, that the Kingdom of Heaven advances on its knees.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Decision Making
I believe in an instantaneous model of decision making. Now, I don't mean I believe in it in the sense that I believe in good work-ethics. I don't mean that we ought to do it that way, but I believe that this is what happens in reality.
So what do I mean instantaneous model of decision making? I mean that people, for the most part, make up their mind instantly the moment they're faced with a decision (a choice, the options) and all the following facts. Oh sure, some of us are more slower and indecisive than others, and so may take a while to sit around and "agonize" over it and seek advice (which is really confirmation) and just procrastinating on accepting that choice that they've already made in their mind just below the consciousness. You ever notice you tend to ignore advices that don't really go the way you want but tend to really embrace the ones do support what you want?
Some of you may be thinking that I am completely off and wrong. That's ok. But I really do believe that given all the information about a choice, the human mind chooses right away. (I certainly am hugely influenced by that dreaded determinism...but that is a blog entry for another time...and perhaps for another audience). Yes, sometimes, more information comes along the way and may change our mind, but given a set of facts and the subsequent choices, whether you choose at the day after you are given the choice or a week after, chances are you were going to make the same decision.
What is the practical implication? I'm not 100% sure. But this definitely has helped me be more decisive (the flip side is rash...but I have rarely been accused of making rash decisions.)
Let me talk a bit about personal examples. Those of you who only likes reading about somewhat objective parts of my blog can stop reading now, I don't have much more to offer you and you'll just have to chew and brood over it on your own. (But I suppose according to my theory you've already made up your mind about whether to agree or disagree).
I have these moments in decision making which I call "mental clicks". It literally feels like something just "clicked" in my head, and I know what my choice is immediately. I have not always put those choices into actions right away, but they might as well be graved in stone as far as their finality is concerned. Sometimes I may "sit on it" and "seek advice" but I do know that it is done. This I do not think happens to most other people; I may be a minority. But it does demonstrate clearly my belief in this model.
Want to know what kind of decisions I made based on those clicks? For example, it was one of these clicks when I became a Christian.
Sometimes, they're divinely inspired. It definitely was that quiet ordinary night that I acknowledged the presence and influence of God in my life and surrendered my belief in atheism and accepted Christianity as the truth.
Anyway. I digressed a bit. My "application" or "recommendation" is an invitation and an exhortation to be a bit more reflective of your own decision making process, and perhaps a bit more of honesty. Those "clicks" I've been talking about were not some impossible to disobey compulsions (and I do have those as well) but something I've learned over the years to recognize, and it made my life a lot easier afterward. You also may discover your own "click" and find that it makes your decision process a little easier and faster.
I see a lot of people that like to take their time to think and pray about their decisions. I certainly agree that it is a good practice. However, you don't always get to have that time to think and pray about things as you would like. So what is the answer? I think that the more you are in such a habit of constantly seeking after God's will, the more likely your decision will be in line with God's will even if you were to make a snap decision on the spot.
P. S. I realize that I made it sound like I can make those "click" snap decisions and be right because I'm in the habit of constantly seeking after God. That's very far from the truth. Many of the "snap" moments have come after agonizing struggle with myself and God and are often an undeserved blessing from God to give me a small respite in that terrible mental grappling process.
Also, if you disagree with my model completely. Please disregard this whole post and don't be offended as if I'm saying what I say and do is right and I think people ought to imitate me. If only you find something I say resonate with you, then perhaps it will be helpful.
So what do I mean instantaneous model of decision making? I mean that people, for the most part, make up their mind instantly the moment they're faced with a decision (a choice, the options) and all the following facts. Oh sure, some of us are more slower and indecisive than others, and so may take a while to sit around and "agonize" over it and seek advice (which is really confirmation) and just procrastinating on accepting that choice that they've already made in their mind just below the consciousness. You ever notice you tend to ignore advices that don't really go the way you want but tend to really embrace the ones do support what you want?
Some of you may be thinking that I am completely off and wrong. That's ok. But I really do believe that given all the information about a choice, the human mind chooses right away. (I certainly am hugely influenced by that dreaded determinism...but that is a blog entry for another time...and perhaps for another audience). Yes, sometimes, more information comes along the way and may change our mind, but given a set of facts and the subsequent choices, whether you choose at the day after you are given the choice or a week after, chances are you were going to make the same decision.
What is the practical implication? I'm not 100% sure. But this definitely has helped me be more decisive (the flip side is rash...but I have rarely been accused of making rash decisions.)
Let me talk a bit about personal examples. Those of you who only likes reading about somewhat objective parts of my blog can stop reading now, I don't have much more to offer you and you'll just have to chew and brood over it on your own. (But I suppose according to my theory you've already made up your mind about whether to agree or disagree).
I have these moments in decision making which I call "mental clicks". It literally feels like something just "clicked" in my head, and I know what my choice is immediately. I have not always put those choices into actions right away, but they might as well be graved in stone as far as their finality is concerned. Sometimes I may "sit on it" and "seek advice" but I do know that it is done. This I do not think happens to most other people; I may be a minority. But it does demonstrate clearly my belief in this model.
Want to know what kind of decisions I made based on those clicks? For example, it was one of these clicks when I became a Christian.
Sometimes, they're divinely inspired. It definitely was that quiet ordinary night that I acknowledged the presence and influence of God in my life and surrendered my belief in atheism and accepted Christianity as the truth.
Anyway. I digressed a bit. My "application" or "recommendation" is an invitation and an exhortation to be a bit more reflective of your own decision making process, and perhaps a bit more of honesty. Those "clicks" I've been talking about were not some impossible to disobey compulsions (and I do have those as well) but something I've learned over the years to recognize, and it made my life a lot easier afterward. You also may discover your own "click" and find that it makes your decision process a little easier and faster.
I see a lot of people that like to take their time to think and pray about their decisions. I certainly agree that it is a good practice. However, you don't always get to have that time to think and pray about things as you would like. So what is the answer? I think that the more you are in such a habit of constantly seeking after God's will, the more likely your decision will be in line with God's will even if you were to make a snap decision on the spot.
P. S. I realize that I made it sound like I can make those "click" snap decisions and be right because I'm in the habit of constantly seeking after God. That's very far from the truth. Many of the "snap" moments have come after agonizing struggle with myself and God and are often an undeserved blessing from God to give me a small respite in that terrible mental grappling process.
Also, if you disagree with my model completely. Please disregard this whole post and don't be offended as if I'm saying what I say and do is right and I think people ought to imitate me. If only you find something I say resonate with you, then perhaps it will be helpful.
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